Jan Curran Events

Smiling with fakes...

I saw a very funny greeting card the other day. It had a sexy woman on the front with the words, " If anyone asks you if those are real...
And inside it said, " don't let anyone touch your teeth!"

Well, that would describe me, now. My lovely smile is totally fake. It may look real, and the sentiment is real, it is just that the teeth are all temporaries. Seven of them.

Yeah, I went to the dentist, and he did a root canal, 6 crowns, pulled three teeth -- gosh, have lost track of all that he did, but the bottom line is there was no pain ,no bleeding, and his words to me were that I had been a great patient, sailed right through it.

He should only know I was practically hyperventilating in the car driving to the appointment.

I wear these temporary teeth for two months while my mouth heals and then I get the permanent bridges ,the crowns , and then he starts to do some repair work on the bottom.

He said to me," Don't worry, you will have a beautiful smile when we are done." And, I said, " What was wrong with the smile I had?"

Company Comes

Last Wednesday, on the spur of the moment almost, my son Tod ( todgoldberg.com) and daughter Linda ( visualchronicles.com) came here for lunch and a visit.

Ah, it was wonderful.  I used to live on the same street as Tod, back in the desert, was used to seeing him all the time, so moving here to another city, miles away from him has been a difficult adjustment. I miss him all the time -- so I was so excited to see him, and equally excited to see Linda with a new haircut and her signature great smile, which is all her own teeth, I might add.

The two of them said I should be able to go without a wig soon, so I pulled it off to show them my thin hair, wispy hair, ugly hair. " Dye it brown," they both urged, pulling family photos off the book shelf, photos of me in varying stages of brown hair.

Right now it is a semi strawberry blond and the kids thought that was too pale, go get my hair returned to it's pre chemo state - be brown again.

I have an appointment for next week. Not that I'll l feel confident enough to go without the wig, but it is a step in the right direction for when  I am alone in here and look in the mirror -- best I should find a familiar face , or head of hair, looking back.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is going to be girl's  day.  Both of my daughters, plus grand daughter Emily, are coming here.

I feel like flying flags!

We are going to do a belated birthday lunch for Karen, an early birthday lunch for Linda, and just a fun time overall. Our plans are to put my walker in the car and head to the harbor, have lunch, eyeball boats and people and roam in and out of some of the shops.

I've got the gifts wrapped and got a little gift for Emily, too, which she is not expecting. When I was her age, 12, I began my fascination with Eleanor Roosevelt. I've read every biography on her, books by others about her and once when I was visiting my beau in DC we went to a one woman show put on by Jean Stapelton - a salute to Eleanor Roosevelt. We had sat transfixed in our seats, enjoying every moment, totally forgetting that 911 had just happened days prior. The president had urged residents to go out and back to  normal life. I'd see the ad for the play, so called and was able to get us tickets. It had become a special night for us.

I just happened to see a book on Eleanor Roosevelt, geared toward the younger reader, so scooped it up for Emily.

I hope she will like it and feel inspired by the life Eleanor tried to lead.

Now...

It's time for me to call my Mommy, visit with her for a moment. I need to tell her that cousin David sent me a photo of her taken at Spirit Lake back in the 40's -- she looks like a pin up girl.

Hope your weekend is going as well as mine.

And, before I forget, for all of you who are coming here from my son Lee Goldberg's site ( leegoldberg.com), welcome! Happy to have you here giving me a read, too.

Jan

St. Pat's Day...

With a name like Curran... I have the most Irish name in this place... and I am surely not Irish.  There's to be a party here  with green beer, green bread, the entire green thing. Not sure if I will go or not, will wait and see how foggy it is outside and how foggy I feel.

I have a walker.

I was NOT going to get one, tough me? So I feel weak or whatever that means I feel like I might collapse in a heap on the floor --- just balked at the idea of a walker. But, another resident told me he had one he never used, and he thought I really should be using one, so brought me his.

Well, what a difference it makes!  I feel secure walking with it and it is fancy smancy, all black leather with brakes and a seat on it , too.  Now I'm just like all the other girls here.

Happy Talk..

My grand children, Emily and Brent, were here for the afternoon and dinner. They, not the least bit shy, got up and danced at Happy Hour, entertained everyone. It was really over the top to watch them -- and such fun - plus a surprise that they would have such self-confidence to just get up and be the center of attention. All the old people loved it, love seeing little kids, and I was so proud of the kids because they are so well mannered and were charming to everyone.

They are not your average 10 and 12 year olds. Brent is after an acting career, for now, and is appearing in a production of  "High School Musical" plus he just finished filming on the new Disney movie, " National Treasure Two" or a title like that. Stars Nicolas Cage -- maybe you are familiar with the first one. He tells me when he is a big star he will buy me a jet so I can go visit Nana in Seattle all the time.

Emily is the 12 year old, goes to college. She's also a top sports star, plays softball on a winning team.

Dumb me never pulled out my camera so there is no shot of them to insert here. You have to take my word for it that they have the bluest eyes you ever saw, are beautiful kids, plus sweet and so loving.

I'm a lucky grand ma.

Meanwhile, back at the Inn:

The hot gossip here is about the couple, both in their 90's who had a lover's spat. He's Mr. Sad Sack now , following her around, leaving love notes outside her door.

She, however , feels he is stalking her. Follows her, with his walker, every where she goes. Makes her nervous.

She came to me. She heard I had written a book on male female relationship, please, she begged, give her some advice on how to handle this situation. 

I told her my book was twenty years old and so is my advice. Just ignore him and soon he will stop bothering her. Don't speak to him, pretend he isn't there.

Well, sure enough while she and I were chatting  , suddenly he appears and begins walking around our table.

As he got behind her, she swirled around in her chair, looked right at him and  ...without saying a word...

gave him the finger!

I don't know who was the most shocked, he or me. I think me. A woman her age doing that?

I came back upstairs to my apartment and burst out laughing.

Not so funny talk..

Monday is my big dental appointment. If that old lady thinks she is nervous, I can give her a run for the money in that department. A three hour appointment. ... crowns, extractions, etc.. all in one appointment and me awake hating every drill, every movement the dentist is going to make.

But, on the other hand, I will be glad to get the work done. Haven't been able to bite anything with the loose teeth in front -- so will be happy to be able to eat again, even though I still have to be so very careful. Not the teeth so much but my ability to swallow is still pretty iffy.

My neck, how does it look after radiation?

Years ago ,when my son Tod was a little boy he told me if anyone wanted to know my age, all they had to do was count the lines around my neck.

Well, still have the lines, or more of them , but now also have some pigmentation loss -- areas that are white. ... and some that are brown like I have a sun tan under my chin.

But, the good news is, at least looking in the mirror, the lymph nodes that were cancerous and protruding are gone. Let's hope that is a good sign and who cares if I have to put makeup on my neck?

Time to log off here and do some real writing -- devote an hour or more to working on my book. Have to push myself every day to do it --- so tired, but then once I get going, it is such fun to write.

Hope your St. Pat's day is a fun one.

'Tis the 12th of something...

Okay , a week under my wig now.

A week without radiation. So, you ask, how do I feel?

Like I have been run over by a truck, then got the flu, then delivered a baby, then run over by another truck. I am weak weak, weak.  I knew I would have fatigue, knew the body doesn't forget, knew radiation zaps you a tough zap and takes away every shred of energy you have left --- but I forgot how bad it can be.

I wake up hoping to feel energy, that jump out of bed, go get the coffee full of spirit, but no way. I get up, hold on to the wall to walk, not trusting my legs to get me where I am going. I put on the coffee, go back to the bed until the coffee is done, then sit on my bed to drink it, not for the great view or anything, but with the knowledge that if I suddenly feel faint, I can set the cup down and get back under the covers.

It's a crappy feeling -- and the many of you reading this who are in chemo or radiation or have done both are no doubt nodding in agreement,knowing exactly what I mean when I say " tired."

Is there any fatigue that matches it? I think not , not even the worst case of the flu.

And, I had forgotten about the leg cramps. Last May, June and July I suffered those -- remember my friend Diane calling me from Walla Walla in August, asking was I still getting such bad leg pains? When she had visited me, I was up and down all night using an electric massager to ease the pain.  Well, hello, the leg cramps are back. Must be another side effect of radiation the doctors don't tell you.

I remember last year when  I got the burned esophagus and couldn't swallow and complained to the doctor and amongst my complaints was the wonder why no one had told me that would happen. I remember his answer," You might have said no to  radiation if we told you."

I'd not have said " no", but  I like to know what is facing me so I can somehow gear up.

I had my first meltdown in all my five cancers last week. Not very inspiring to tell you that - -but so tired of pain and being tired,  I suddenly began getting crying jags. The added attraction of loose teeth and a painful mouth didn't help any -- nor the fact I was entering what is it, three months, of still being on a liquid diet.

I'm okay today. I mean okay emotionally. I know my dental work will be begin on the 19th -- 7 crowns, root canals, extractions, bridges -- my gawd a ton of work and what probably made me cry was the bill ---- $8,500.

My friend Ann Shields who writes the blog Sassywrite stuff on typepad.com sent me an email saying maybe we should do a telethon to raise funds for me. I rather like the idea. Prefer that over a five year payment plan. This is like buying a car only my teeth will be worth more than my 1998 Honda CRV!

Good News:

I haven't seen my daughters ( visualchronicles.com) since January - -they have been so busy with books, and art, and kids, and work, and ball games  - -well, if you have adult children with kids of their own , you understand. Gone are the days of over the river and across the bridge to grandmothers house we go --- to get to see them is harder than trying to get a real person on the line at the cable company.... BUT guess what? On Sunday the 25th both girls are coming here to see me for a few hours, we'll go down to the Ventura oceanfront boardwalk, see the surf, see the vendors out selling wares, have some quality time together. I'm looking forward to it.

I know, I sounded like a Jewish mother complaining I never see my kids  - well, I am a Jewish mother and from what some friends write me this goes beyond Jewish mothers, it is all mothers with adult children who have kids in a zillion activities leaving no time for family time with a grandparent. Many is the time I have emailed a wipe of tears from a friend feeling lonely or discarded or forgotten because months had gone by without her seeing her kids. And, I know my own mother keeps asking, " when am I going to see you, it feels like ages?"

I wish to hell I could go see my Mom. She is miles and money costs away. I'll try for her 95th birthday in May if I am not in chemo.

The phone calls just aren't that satisfying --- need to be together in person with her.

No, before you ask, I never told her I had cancer. Not this time, not last time, not the time before that, either. My weak voice  I blamed on allergies and she bought it and continues to buy it.

Fights:

I have Medicare. It paid the $1750 a day for radiation, or a goodly portion of it and then my AARP kicked in and paid the rest. I rarely worry about it or the thousands it costs for a PET scan or MRI and God knows I have had a lot of them in recent months and, well, recent years.

Saturday's mail brought a letter from a collection agency. Over $5,000 owed for some scan. Nothing I could do about it on the weekend other than toss and turn and fret.

I called the collection agency this a.m... and it was push 1 for this, push 2 for that - all the way up to number six by which time I  had forgotten what number one was.

I kept pushing zero and the recorded voice would say, " we don't recognize that entry, please try again"... and on it went until hitting zero over and over finally got me a recording to leave a message, which I did.

Bottom line to that call --- they claimed AARP had not paid their portion. Well, AARP always pays, so  I said to call them. Oh, no, I could be dropping dead here but the collection folks only make calls to the insured , the nonpayee person, never to the insurance company.  I should call. I did. AARP records show I did pay. They gave me a phone number to give to the collection agency, they should call and AARP would give them the info.

Sounded simple and I was less worrisome. Called back the collection agency. They won't call the number, I should do it, get AARP to fax them.  Did that. AARP would not fax, they will only mail and not to the agency, only to me.  Will take about two weeks. So another call to the agency to tell them that.

That all took three hours to do and a toll on me.

My bit of voice  I did have is now back to hoarse and if I could find some way to eliminate all these " our menus have changed" recordings, believe me I would do it for us all.

Weather Report

Ah, move to the ocean, cool breezes, escape the desert heat. Someone call Al Gore, it was over 90 here this weekend -- big jump. HOT... but  I see from a wire story a pal sent me that old man Bush fainted in the Palm Springs area over the weekend, the sudden rise in heat there got to him.

Nice words to read...

Years ago I wrote a column mention on Allene Arthur who writes this wonderful column for the Desert Sun in Palm Springs. She had sent me such a clever thank you note saying it is shallow to want to see one's name in the paper.. then signed it with a thanks and the fake name " shallow".

This Sunday, reading the Desert Sun online, I read her column about a party hosted for or honoring Merv Griffin in the desert and a party about Jane Wyman and then at the end of Arthur's column she had quotes worth repeating and there, plain as day was " Jan Curran, writer" and a quote from me.

I sent her a shallow thank you.

More surprising words

Years ago, back in the days when I did public relations at the Jones Agency in Palm Springs I worked with this knockout beautiful blond named Tracey. We were pals and then , to my dismay, she moved to Chicago or somewhere. I'd hear about her from a mutual friend named Ann, always glad to get a tidbit, and thought about Tracey often and the good times we all used to have.

I was so surprised to log on to typepad and find a loving message from Tracey. Wow, did that lift my spirits.

She could have read my blog and never let me know, but not Tracey - she wrote.

Many thanks and also before I log off here, again thanks to all of you who tell me this blog has helped you through some rough cancer times, that just knowing you aren't the only one going through the rough times that mean treatment.

Remember, as you dress each day, the most important thing you put on is your smile.

Jan

Another job done....

Today, Friday, March 2 I had my last radiation treatment.

Is that cheers I hear? Good, cuz  I don't have enough of a voice to speak well, let alone cheer.

Drs. say three weeks before my voice is totally back, about the same time for my throat to heal and then look out --- I am going to eat!

Well, that is if my dental work is done or on the way. Natch, I never do anything the easy way . As some of you know, chemotherapy plays havoc on teeth and gums, causes real damage. Then I had radiation and , well, the bottom line is the other day I felt a loose tooth. That was scarier than getting cancer news , mostly because it is my front tooth.

Off to the dentist. I will lose two teeth, pay thousands and thousands of dollars for new teeth, bone grafts -- more facts you don't need unless you want to start a fund of monies! I start in on Wednesday with preliminary xrays and further exams to determine the extent of damage to my mouth.

If you click on this photo, you will see me on the right and my radiation tech on the left. Photo taken today as  I finished up treatment and was presented with a certificate of award for completing radiation.

If I get many more of those, I can wallpaper the bathroom.

Next on tap? Rest to get back my strength, more Aloe Vera on my skin to prevent scaring, and still drinking Ensure to get some calories down. I see both the radiation oncologist and my primary oncologist in 6 weeks and then have my PET scan to find the exact status of this cancer.

Keep good thoughts, okay?

Now, I can also concentrate on working on my book.

Oh, almost forgot. Cousin Dave from Minnesota was here with his friend Roger .We had a good visit even though I go to bed at 7 p.m. They fit right in here with the crowd and everyone enjoyed meeting them. Watch for things to appear on Dave's blog in a week or so.

March is a busy Hallmark month for our family. Daughters Karen and Linda have birthdays, so does my daughter in law Wendy. Son Lee and Valerie have a wedding anniversary.

Hope this finds you all staying warm.

Jan